What a queer, queer day.
First J and A called, asked for my help. I sounded calm but after i ended the call i started to panic. Fear came into my heart as i pondered over the situation. Called mel firsthand but she didn't pick up the phone immediatedly. Then God said in that still, small voice of His, "Why are you so afraid, o you of little faith? If I am for you, who can be against you?" And i thought, true. Then ysd's congre bout David and Goliath came to mind. It offered so much comfort. I was just like David, a tiny shepherd boy with my little wooden sling, but i'd do all i could to protect my sheep from the humongous giant, even if i were scared. And the peace of God that transcends all understanding filled me and chased away all my fear.
Thank God, He protected us all. Thank you so much Elle and Jeff for going down with me, really appreciate it. Watched "Premonition", it was...not bad. Aft tt we went to the washroom and...it was really freaky. I don't know how to explain it, just that both Elle and i felt really weird. Aft we came out we kept saying how uneasy we felt inside, she was talking about the closed toilet door with noone inside and i was like, "huh? the middle cubicle? it was open what!" We concluded...we don't want to know. Lol.
On the way back for tuition, i suddenly felt v weird...somehow i started worrying for my parents, my dad esp. My mom'd called when i was in the theatre but didn't answer when i called back repeatedly. I suddenly remembered the time when my dad was hospitalised, i felt it before i knew it. And i was so afraid it'd happen again. It's like the world stood still and i was there in the train but i wasn't. I just prayed and prayed till i felt the peace. Thank God, my mom finally called back and said he's fine.
At tuition, my tuition kid Linn was stressed. Her Psle is coming in a week's time. I mean, she's usually smiley and all. We usually have fun during tuition, it's always light-hearted with lots of laughter. But today her stress was emanating and i was worried. I gave her the chocs i bought for her but it didn't work. So i prayed, desperately trying to find a way to ease her stress. And, thank God for all the hours of game-playing in NUS, i remembered Black Magic, Aunt Anne, Johnny Johnny Do you get it? (LOL Mike), Leaf falling falling etc and managed to make her laugh again. Saw the light coming back into her eyes and heaved a sigh of relief.
On my way home i was reflecting upon today's events. Thinking bout J, A and Linn, and my reactions towards them. And suddenly i understood...love. My mom, sis and Mel have always protected me, been there for me. I think they are the ppl i'd always count on, no matter what the circumstances are.
I remember once i was in a bad bad mood. My sis was waiting for me to get out of the house together. I didn't ask her to wait. I wanted to take my time, slam my things around. But she just sat there and waited, smiling. It irked me. Then she sat on my bear, and i snapped at her. Her smile faded and she left the house, foul face and all, muttering under her breath. Fine. I didn't care. Until...i shut my front door and...couldn't find my keys. I just couldn't find them. I slammed my umbrella in fury, the one i loved because my dad bought it for me, and the handle fell loose. That was it. I broke down and cried. I was helpless, i'd to go to school, trapped outside my house, no key to lock it and leave or go in, fav brolly spoilt, bad bad mood. I did the only thing i could. I called my fuming sis. She came back, helped me find my keys (they were in my bag afterall), gave me a hug and drove me to school. Another time, it was the worst day of my life, she took one look at me sobbing on the kitchen floor, hugged me and cried with me, then called to take leave, and spent the day watching dvds, drinking wine and crying with me. So many times she protected me like tt, unconditionally. My mom, too, from pri sch when i called her and cried cos my classmates called me 'bai shu zhen', and even till now she'd tell me, "Tell me if anyone bullies u, i'd protect u no matter what." And mel too. Every time i'm faced with a situation i dunno how to handle, i'd call her and she'd be there, comforting me, telling me what to do. Esp the time when my dad was hospitalized recently. Anyways, i was always the protected. Never the protector. Until now.
Now, i understand the maternal love they gave to me. Because i now feel it for these girls. Love that isn't a choice, but instinct. Instinct that makes you put yourself between danger and your child without thinking. And it's so amazing.
Anyway, i've been sick for...6 days. Flu and sore throat and sometimes headache and nauseousness, loss of appetite. It's just not normal. I've tried everything-prayer, sleep, water, even the dreaded panadol i fear. Please. Pray. For. Me. Thanks. =)
Kaelyn
Saturday, 22 September 2007
Re-Encounter Part 1
Re-encounter was good. Though i was sick, and have been since Wed, i was really excited bout it. Prayed through the week tt Val and i would really encounter God today. So this afternoon on the bus to TCT i was reading my Daily Bread. The first line said, "If God offered you anything you wanted, what would you ask for?" I thought about it and thought, maybe wisdom. But no, what i really really wanted most of all was more of the Holy Spirit.
So it really touched me when i walked into TCT, and the first thing Pastor William said before worship was, "What is the one prayer that God will always answer?" After some answers from the crowd, he said, "The Holy Spirit. When you ask God for the Holy Spirit, He will not hesitate to answer your prayer." Wow. Worship was great, really strong presence of God. Teared a lot.
The sessions were good too, both Pastor William and Roland were very engaging and humorous. Then came the practical part. So we each formed groups of threes with strangers and prophesied for each other. Hmm i think my prophesy spoke to both of them, judging from the tears and affirmation, but when it came to my turn nothing really spoke to me, not about the matters that are weighing on my heart. I felt really disappointed. Went down for altar call at the end, and this lady from Ministry team prayed for me. She said she saw a man and a woman dancing. The man was God, the woman was me. And God was telling me to let Him take the lead. To let go and trust Him, flow with His dance. And the result will be beautiful. That spoke to me wonderfully, but it also surfaced the issue i didn't want to deal with.
Thank God Mel came, at the right time. Her words truly edified and brought me from sorrow to joy. God spoke to me on the way home, too. So many doubts, so many fears, so many questions in my life sometimes. But what does it matter when God loves me and would not let me go?
Kaelyn
My Psalm 23 Dream
In my Psalm 23 dreams i'm a little girl once again. I'm in this Eden-like place, with lush green grass and blooming flowers, a quiet stream. This man meets me there each time. I was wary of him at first but we eventually became friends. We'd play together for hours, with the bunnies, with the flowers. We talk a lot, and he's really nice. He always looks at me lovingly, as though i'm the only one in the world that matters. He'd stroke my hair tenderly and sit me on his lap while he tells me stories. Sometimes i'd fall asleep on his lap. I grew to love him, and see past his rugged appearance, his physical queerness. You see, he had two holes in his palms. Freaky, isn't it? Many times i thought to myself, perhaps tt's why he has so much time for me. Because he doesn't have any other friends. But he has a kind heart, and i love hanging out with him. So i chose to accept him, his oddity and all.
But one day i thought to ask. "Why do you have those holes on your palms?", I asked. Jesus turned to me with an amused but intense look in his eyes, and told me, "My child, these holes i bear, because I choose to accept you, oddity and all."
There are times when we don't understand the fullness of His love. And it's amazing what God's reaction to that is. Not anger at our ungratefulness. He says, "I know that you don't understand the fullness of My love, how I died upon the cross for your sins. And I know that you don't realize how much that I gave you...But I promise, I would do it all again."
Where else in this universe can we find love like this?
Kaelyn
Sunday, 16 September 2007
Imperfection in Perfection
Happy Birthday Fiona! And while i'm at it, Happy Birthday to Juan, Fen, Kwok, Hsing Thye, and Gui Fang! Lotsa love to all.
Life's been fantastic. Today was a great day. Went to East Coast to cycle with Spike aft church. It rocks having a car. Then we lay a mat near the beach and read our fav books(
yes, it's Roberts still). It was...Heaven. Then it started to rain so we ran for it and tt was so fun! Back home for a scrumptous home-made meal by my mom. Perfect day for me.
But imperfections can exist even on a perfect day. Guess it's true what Pastor Melvyn said, as Christians we're not sheltered from the adversities of life, yet we can find protection under God's cover. Ahh, the comfort in that. That God would command angels to lift me up to protect me from a thing as little as striking against a stone. What should i fear, if God protects me like that?
And perhaps it is imperfections that make life truly perfect. For without these lil flaws a 'perfect life' would seem virtual, unreal. There'd be no honey after the bittergourd, so to speak, no rainbow after the storm, for if there's honey and rainbows all year round we'd all be sick of them. So I thank God for the bittergourds that make the honey sweet, and for the storms that cause us to appreciate the rainbows. =)
Ahh i promised an advertisement. Haha i wouldn't say fat guys are in trend, but godly, humorous and friendly guys definitely are.
Kaelyn
Life through the lens
Some pictures to rant about.
The birthday girl Fen, Mien e devil queen and i
The Queen and i.
Self-explanatory.
Spike and i at East Coast.
Kaelyn
Monday, 10 September 2007
Free Spirits
Been a rocky week, with ups and downs. Thank God sch is really getting better, and i'm so blessed. Being heckcare like always, i didn't bother to print lecture notes, but somehow 3 diff ppl in my 3 diff lectures happened to print extra/had to print for themselves last min so helped me print. In any case, i just went to class empty-handed and always ended up with lecture notes from a friend. And one lent me her RBR notes to photocopy--
those in NUS shd know these are like rare treasures, plus i bumped into a yr 3 friend who lent me her book for this sem so i need not buy/hunt it down somehow. Praise the Lord! =)
Free Spirits. It's always a controversy, whether God's laws liberate or restrict. If the latter were true, wouldn't that make all Christians Dead Spirits? If one were to be too caught up in the rules, then i believe it would kill our spirit. But that was not what God intended, for it is truly impossible for us to abide by all the laws. Yet it is the Heart of the Law that matters, it is this that liberates. It's a matter of perspective, and maturity. It's a matter of wisdom. The difference btw seeing a law as liberating/restrictive lies in how far you see. For many of us in our infancy see only the immediate future. We want to yield to our pleasures. Now. But if we were to look into the crystal globe, the consequences of these temporary pleasures yield much destruction. Initially, it may appear liberating to be able to do whatever u want to, whenever. You could get into all sorts of nonsense and feel in control. But after awhile, who controls who? I'd think the nonsense controls you. And that hardly seems liberating.
Still there were times when i was close to embracing something i know will not have a future. Sometimes it seems, even education can confuse you. Learning to be critical bout everything makes one wonder sometimes, who's to say what's wrong? Sometimes excessive knowledge, when mishandled, can cause destruction. It's like in the Garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, God said they would die. While they did not die in the way they'd imagined, which was what the evil serpent manipulated to cause them to doubt God, they died to innocence, they died to purity, they died to that intimate closeness with God. Once they'd everything they needed and wanted, a perfect utopia, now they were cursed and had to endure suffering in the world. God knew that they would not be able to handle the Knowledge of Good and Evil, so He commanded them not to. But they disobeyed, and while there remained traces of good in men, it was the evil that proliferated. So much obscenity in the world today, so much suffering and agony, because of that Fruit our ancestors couldn't resist. I'm not saying that we should thus quit studying, but that along with greater knowledge comes greater risk of stumbling, and we should hold on tight to Wisdom in those times.
But it is certainly Folly speaking when you know deep inside what your conscience, or the Holy Spirit, says and choose to drown out that small, still voice anyway. Sure your flesh will fight, you'd try to justify your own ends, and of course the devil will take the chance to join in and fan the flames. But i've chosen to yield to my flesh too many times and reaped the undesirable consequences, and no longer will i do that. I choose wisdom, i choose to listen to the small, still voice that is always right. But that does not mean i am thus a Dead Spirit. On the contrary, when i made the decision i felt free. Cos i may not be in control, but God is. And better Him than me, cos i trust Him more than i trust myself. I am a Free Spirit, because my Lord Jesus, He sets me free.
Kaelyn
Monday, 3 September 2007
My Fairytale Dream
Just finished my 4th book in a week. Haha. I'm in love with Nora Robert's books. Books of faeries and witches, of angels and lovers. May be trashy to some, but oh i love it. I'm just so lost in my fantasy book world.
They've only served to invigorate my existing dream, of living in a cottage in some dream-like village. With countless flowers in my backyard, a fireplace, a dog and cat to run around my feet. I'd wake up whenever i like, make breakfast, and read while eating breakfast, feeding the scraps to Dog and Cat. Then i'd go work in the garden and spend time with my flowers, cut some to arrange on the dining table. I'd play my music (
in my dream i'm fluent with the guitar and piano), then i'd dress up and skip down the village to hang out with friends and spend the day together. When i've settled down proper i'd find a job, maybe learn to bake at the cafe or stick with familiar grounds, be the village florist. Perhaps i'd fall in love there, and we'd take long walks in the starry night on the beach. Then we'd head back to my cottage, he'd light the fireplace and i'd make tea. We'd talk till night and he'd tuck me into bed, and i'd fall asleep knowing there couldn't be a better life, that perhaps somehow...i've stumbled into Heaven.
Wake up, Jenn. You're in Singapore, with countless responsibilites to fulfill.
But i can't help wishing one day my dream will be fulfilled, at least once in my lifetime. Hee.
Kaelyn
