Rediscovering Eden
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
whom shall i fear
whom shall i fear
i am yours
Tidings
Friday, 16 November 2007
We fall down...We pick ourselves up.
Quite an emo day for me today. Got back two papers of high weightage, and both were bad. At that moment i wanted to cry, but i fixed on a smile and kept it there till it actually felt quite real, didn't wanna spoil the celebration mood. Till i went to meet Chng and i could be myself again.
I guess it mattered so much cos i did put in effort this time. I've grown so used to not putting in effort and getting not bad results that i kinda fear working hard and not doing well. But i guess God wants to mould me in trusting Him above my own capabilities. It's also worrying cos these are all my social work modules, and it's not the first time I've scored badly in my own core. I've never seen a D before taking social work modules. It's ironic how i learn so much from them and get such lousy grades.
For a moment i did doubt if changing major was the right decision, but Pastor Khong's words last week came to mind. Just because something bad happens doesn't mean you made a wrong decision. "When hell breaks loose, you may be doing something right." And in that moment i decided i would not give up. I would not give up so easily on something i believe the Lord has purposed me to go into. It touched my heart when Ps Khong told us how he watched "Evan Almighty" and cried all the way though it was supposed to be a comedy. I can emphatize, or perhaps guess at how he felt, going into The Magic Of Love when it caused so many to turn against him. But he couldn't, or wouldn't forsake it, because God chose the path for him. In the same way i believe God chose the path of social work for me, and no matter what attacks i face, i will not let go so easily. I think the devil is simply afraid of the work i will do to glorify God in the future.
I did think of giving up. Why not go back to Psychology. It's your interest, a general degree, and u score better. But it wouldn't be God's path for me. It would be running away. Sometimes running away is such a tempting prospect. I was telling Chng and Elle just now tt i feel so happy when i'm sleeping. Cos you're like just floating ard without any responsibilities and setbacks. U know those times when u're so caught up in your dream and after u wake up for a few seconds there's the bliss of oblivion? And then everything rushes back to u and u think, "Ohh man i wanna go back to Dreamland." I get those sometimes. But going to Dreamland won't solve the problem. It would be escapism, passive coping. And it would make things worse. So i shall not run away, despite first instincts. I shall fight on, as the Warrior of God i am.
On the bus home God was telling me, "How much does grades matter anyway? You never allowed ur mood to fluctuate because of grades last time, why start now? There's so much more important things in life..."
Better Than Life-Hillsongs (edited)
Better than the riches of this world
Better than the sound of my friends voices
Better than the biggest dreams in my heart
(Better than all the As i could ever get)and that's just the start
Better than getting what I say I need
Better than living the life that I want to
Better than the love anyone could give
Your love is
You hold me now in Your arms
You never let me go
And You oh Lord made the sunshine the moonlight and the nightsky
You give me breath and all Your love
I give my heart to You
Because I can't stop falling in love with You
I'll never stop falling in love with You
I fell down. So what? With God's help i'd pick myself up again and continue running around laughing like the kids. =)P.S. Thank you Char and Elle for being there for me, even through this entire exam period. I'm so thankful for such a wonderful support group.
Kaelyn
