Rediscovering Eden
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
whom shall i fear
whom shall i fear
i am yours
Tidings
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
Sillybunny
Random doggie near NUS. Cute.
Sillybunny the Siamese-trying to capture her blue eyes.
Very affectionate...
But keeps closing her eyes when i take her picture. Not photogenic, like me.
Hee animals make me so happy. This one here is a new one God sent to cheer me up recently. First stray Siamese i've seen i think. She'd recognise me from afar and wait for me to come, then start circling my legs and rubbing against me, purring. She'd really make my day, whether i'm on my way out (sorry guys i was late today cos of her haha), or coming back home...feels like there's someone waiting to welcome me...and takes delight in me. Hee. Don't know if the people around me think i'm nuts cos i talk to animals like they're humans. She would circle and rub against my legs, till she's contented, then she'd curl up comfortably at my feet. I'd pat her and back off a bit to take a picture of her and she'd glare at me as if to say, "Now why did u have to move when i'd just gotten comfortable?! Now i've to do it all over again." And so she'd repeat the ritual of rubbing against my legs and settling down at my feet. Haha. Such a cutey pie. If only my parents would allow me...i think my home would be crammed full of animals.
Kaelyn
Monday, 25 February 2008
My first Altar Call alone
Today...is the first time i went down to altar call by myself. I've always had this fear of the Expo, haha cos it's so big and full of people? I'm afraid to be alone in the place, afraid i'd get lost, especially when the lighting is dim and music is deafening and i can't find anyone. Same thing for altar call, only that there's also this issue of self-consciousness when u go down.
But today...God spoke to me so deeply that i didn't care about all these. Even if i'm the only one to go down and everyone stares at me...I would. A broken spirit, and a contrite heart, You will not despise...You will not despise. God You love me so much...every word in every song sang, every word in the sermon, i know was for me, for me.
Brokenness...a state of desperation and despair. Yes i know what u're talking about Ps Khong. I've been there...hours of gushing tears that threaten never to end. Feelings so deep that the physical heart seems to ache in symphony. Crying out loud to God to save me. Noone, noone but God and i will ever know the intensity of those moments. And it is in those moments where i draw closest to God. It is when u're at the edge of the cliff...that You look to God and really plead with Him to help you. It is in these moments that u are the most vulnerable, the most exposed, in your most raw form. And it is here that intimacy with the Lord is cultivated. When you realise that He's the only One left when everything/everyone else has failed. When you realise that apart from His mercy and grace you are but an ugly worthless worm squirming on the floor. When you realise how ugly u are...you realise how much He has been sustaining you. That every little thing that u have, or have done, is His. It is then...that heart transformation begins. The walk in the light of the living begins.
Kaelyn
Saturday, 23 February 2008
Take me deeper
There is a longing
Only You can fill
A raging tempest
Only You can still
My soul is thirsty Lord
To know You as I'm known
Drink from the river that flows before Your throne
Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than i've ever been before
I just wanna love You more and more
How i long to be deeper in love
Sunrise to sunrise
I will seek Your face
Drawn by Your Spirit
To the promise of Your grace
My heart has found in You
A hope that will abide
Here in Your presence
Forever satisfied
I feel a peace in me that's surprisingly therapeutic. When the heart groans in agony the mind will take over, and then trust, Trust comes in. God works all things for the good of those who love Him. We all know that. But we need to live that. Feels like a stab and a pat, a stab and a pat each time. No longer want to be trapped in that cycle. The time has finally come. I rejoice, yet lament all at the same time.
Kaelyn
Monday, 18 February 2008
Jesus Lover of my Soul
Jesus, Lover of my soul,
Jesus, I will never let you go
You’ve taken me from the miry clay
You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now i know
I love you, I need you,
Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go
My Saviour, my closest friend,
I will worship you until the very end
Kaelyn
Sunday, 17 February 2008
Waktu saya sakit
When i'm sick...i become a baby. Seriously. Despite the brave front i put up when i dragged myself to service just now...I actually cried on e bus there. And when i reached home again, i just kept crying i dunno why.
This is something that i haven't been able to conquer. When i'm sick i get emotionally v unstable. I guess maybe cos since young, whenever i'm sick my whole family really treats me like a Princess. They'd go out of the way to get me food i want, make me comfortable, sayang me etc. How ppl respond to me when i'm sick really matters a lot to me, i'm like ultra-sensitive one. I rem once i had high fever and i called Hsing thye, he cabbed over from Sembawang to bring me to the doc and until today i will never forget that...Another time also high fever, till 39.6, i told my mom and she scolded me, and she said wait till she finish watching her show then bring me go doctor. If u know me i'm someone who doesnt remember wrongs...but this one i remember until today. Not that i still bear the grudge...but i guess it still hurts to think tt she so flippantly regarded me when i put my trust in her. People i turn to when i'm sick...i guess i have certain expectations. Cos i dont just turn to just about anyone. I expect to be sayanged, or at least sympathized with, i expect to be prayed for, to be offered help.
Maybe i'm too pampered? I don't know, i just know when i'm sick i can't stop crying. Just now i was praying to God, and he brought me to the realisation-If i find this fever agonizing, how bout Job? And if Job's disease and emotional pain was extreme, how about Jesus's excruciating pain? In comparison my discomfort and pain seems to pale in comparison...
I think i need to grow up. I always felt...i had the right to be pampered and taken care of when i'm sick, but i realised not everyone has that privilege all the time. I thought back of the times my mom was sick and yet had to cook for us, and another time when our whole family was sick and my parents had to take care of us despite their own pain and discomfort. And so many times i see adults sick but still go work, still do housework etc. So i decided to drag myself to service today. Everyone kept asking why i didnt just rest at home, i guess cos i wanted to overcome being sick, and also cos i couldn't bear to be alone at home when i'm sick.
But anyway service today was really worth it. I could really feel Ps Khong's passion for God..his brokenness and longing for God...to be close to Him, and for us to be close to Him too. Worship was really powerful today, i could really feel His presence so strongly. And though i was feeling horrible, and looked horrible, i didnt care. It was worth it travelling to the other end of Singapore to be in that place at that time...to be in His presence. For that is really what i live for. I can't imagine that as much as i delight in His presence, He too delights in my presence. He enjoys spending time with me. He revels in my beauty. That is just too amazing to behold. So many times i get distracted by things in the world, even by His Gifts, that i fail to make time for Him. Just how much have i missed out? I pray tt in the next 40 days of fasting and praying...that He'd draw us all closer to Him...closer than we've ever been before. Jesus, no matter what life brings, pain sorrow disappointment...even when i am alone in this world...i have You. Thank You.
Kaelyn
Saturday, 16 February 2008
Random images
Sik the sexy voice and her fake shi san yao.
Mdm Regina commanding the BB boys.
Cute polar bear cubs on tv.
Seok and my plastic bag lab coats and covered shoes. Lol.
One of my fav bouquets i made during the vday madness.
Lao yu sheng at the shop!
Cute lil' panda heads swimming in my mug. Hahaha thanks i love it.
Clawrs in his new commando top.
The Sesame Street gang...minus Twiddlebug.
Nope! i never zhaogeng-tt's a tube top there. Speaking of zhaogeng...hahaha there are other more creative ways LOL. And jer i'm still traumatized by..uknowwhat.
Us and our mini mahjong! Cute yes but impossible to play. Lyn i miss u alr. =(
Kaelyn
The Secret of Satisfaction
"It is not about getting what u want, but wanting what u've got."
So many people try so hard to get X, but when they get X they want Y, and they're never satisfied. Esp ppl who are infatuated with wealth.
"It is only when u lose something that u'd truly learn to cherish it."
Hahaha want to cherish what u've got? Lose it. After 33hrs straight of study+work, when i came home and bathed, WOW. i reallyy appreciate the bath. The water's so comforting, as is the smell of the soaps and shampoos. Then...off to bed. Suddenly...i feel like i'm in heaven. What an incredibly soft bedd...what nice pillows, and the comforter, wow.
Sometimes when we do things right, we get so pleased with ourselves our heads start swelling. When i realise pride is starting to get a hold on me, i always remember The Rat Chef from "Ratatouille". So often we're like Linguini, we get all puffed up when people praise us, that we start to believe that it really is ourselves that are so great afterall. Yet the truth is that the real chef is The Rat Chef, and without Remy pulling our hairs in the right direction and guiding us, our actions, speech and how we live our lives will be so very unpraiseworthy. It is only when we come back to being humble, to face the truth that we are but vessels, equal with any other human beings on the earth, that we can escape the downfalls of pride.
Then there are times that we fail people around us. It's like what mel said, failing doesn't neccessarily mean u do wrong. For it is often hard to distinguish what is right and what is wrong, it all depends on perspectives. As long as expectations are not met, in tt person's opinion u have failed. It is really impossible to please everyone. And when we fail, if from the start we acclaim praise to ourselves, we alone suffer the blame of failing. The humiliation and sense of failure, the attack of the ego. But if u know very well that all accomplishments in yr life are but gifts from the Lord, failures will be so much easier to take, wouldn't it?
I like what Nuan shared during devotion. She said, actually life can be very simple. Just Listen and Obey. It's true, most people don't like to Listen and Obey. Sounds like..some mindless woodhead doesn't it? Innately each of us prefer the other choice-rebelling. Mann, the lil' highs u get from rebelling, it can be so addictive. But who suffers the consequences in the end? Yourself. After 20 yrs of living this life, i've slowly learnt to understand and appreciate the wisdom in obeying. We rebel cos we think we know best, cos we want to prove something to others. We rebel cos of our pride. But it is really not worth messing up yr life with countless complications just for those lil' highs. I still struggle with obeying, but i've grown to realise that it is really the better way, most of the time.
I guess, the Secret of Satisfaction is really cherishing what u've got, and being humble. It is really that simple. And everyday i'm growing to appreciate the beauty of simplicity. I love life. =)
Kaelyn
Friday, 15 February 2008
None but Jesus
In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days
All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore
Indeed Lord there is noone but You who can protect me 24/7, noone i trust more than You, noone who is stable like You are. Thank You Lord for drawing me closer to You again...when i am weak You are strong. All my delight is in You dear Jesus. Noone can ever bring me greater joy.
Kaelyn
Tuesday, 12 February 2008
My God makes me Happy
"He puts a smile on my face. He's my God." =) It is impossible to put into words the experience of being daily in God's presence. The reverberating lil' jumps of joy in yr heart that persists through the mundanity, sorrow, anger, happiness, fear, dread...through all situations. In this life there will be many ups and downs...yet no matter how painful a situation in future may be...i know there'd never be a moment that i will be completely helpless or alone, cos the Lover of my Soul is always there by my side. Even when all that's left is my soul and His, that is enough.
David often struggles with persecution in his poems to God...he laments how ppl mock his belief in God, and pleads for his Father in heaven to justify him. Cos in this world, believing in something that cannot be proven by science, or reap any immediate tangible benefit, in many people's opinions, it is akin to being of unsound mind. Because it goes against the logics that rule this world, it goes against the "me" mentality-"What's in it for me?". It goes against the rationality mentality-"Prove it to me and i'd believe you." It is something that borders on the edge of incomprehensibility.
It reminded me of movies again, esp horror/thriller films. You know, when only the main character(s) know the truth? Eg.there's a ghost in the apartment above, my teddy bears come alive at night, the house is a monster. And everytime they try to explain it to someone else everything will go back to normal and ppl will think they're insane, or dismiss them as being too stressed/not enough sleep. And we as audience go, "OHH CMON!!! JUST BELIEVE HIM ALR!!" as we grip our chairs and bite our nails in kanchiongness. Only towards the end, when the other characters really see for themselves, do they believe. However, that is usually when disaster has already struck and lives have already been taken.
Then there's the other kind, psychological films perhaps, where the main character knows something, eg.aliens are planning an attack, that guy is a murderer, yet what he believes so strongly in is untrue, because these are really just delusions of his/her own mind. Usually, the fact that the main character is psychologically unwell/all the happenings in the movie are imagined, is again only revealed towards the end.
What would you rather believe in? It doesn't matter how many ppl are on which side, it doesn't mean that the more popular choice is the one which is real. I guess, when i thought of all these i was reassured that because my faith is like the former type, based on something real, eventually the truth will show. Maybe now ppl may mock. Maybe now they will laugh. But when the time comes, God will come through and then, everyone will understand. One day.
Kaelyn
Wednesday, 6 February 2008
Family
My lovely parents. I did my mom's makeup! Haha.
Our lil family of four at Bird Park.
And again!
My parents acting cute. Hahaha.
The two women i love
She's almost like a second mother to me.
Everyone loves my lil Clawrs, he's one of us.
It's been wonderful recently, the family outings and all. God really works miracles, so much has changed in our family over the past few years, for the better. I rejoice daily at this wonderful Gift God has given to me, yet at the same time i lament the many years lost. Years when i was a rebellious teenager and fought them every step of the way, causing my parents much grief and worry. Years when i was busy with my life and did not bother trying to know my parents as friends. It's never too late to start, yet sometimes i'd think, how long more do i have, to enjoy this precious Gift from God? How long more before it's taken from me, or before my sister and i move out? So many times i have taken what is most precious to me for granted, so much time spent with strangers rather than my closest kins. I just hope and pray that we'd all learn to guard and treasure every moment spent together with fierce devotion, that each day we would learn better how to tolerate one another's shortcomings and appreciate each other's character and personality.
Some funny things that happened along our family outings...
1. We were on the shuttle bus in Sentosa. Mom was sitting w my Aunt, me with Spike, Dad was sitting alone. I was holding Clawrs (yes, i brought him out), so i put him beside Dad to accompany him. His response was immediate. He grabbed Clawrs and said, "Let other ppl sit laa". Then he realised he was holding Clawrs and for a split second there was shock and horror on his face. He tried to pass Clawrs back to me, but we were separated by a couple who were sitting behind him and in front of us. He was stuck with Clawrs. Desperate, he tried to give him to Mom, but Mom refused. It was only when he insisted, with somewhat urgent intonation, that Mom took Clawrs. Spike and i had a good laugh over tt one. Men and their egos.
2. Just now, after the reunion dinner, we went to St James to get the chop, cos Spike and Martin were coming back after. We decided to give the old fogies a tour of the club. It was only ard 7 plus so the place was empty. At the entrance, we asked the bouncer if we could go in. Well, not that any of us were underaged, but we had no idea if there was actually such a thing as overaged. Apparently not, but the bouncer said no slippers allowed. In that split second where my dad cooly retreated to wait for us outside and the rest of us (me, Spike, Martin's mom) were getting ready to go in, my mom had disappeared. And then she was back, barefooted. She had left her sandals outside the club, all ready to go in and havoc. Lol. All of us watched dumbfounded for a second, then Spike and i simultaneously roared with laughter. It was so funny we both had to squat down to laugh properly. My mom gave an embarrassed smile and tried to justify her actions, wore her sandals and the bouncer let us in, with only the briefest hint of a smile. None of the other bouncers even looked up from what they were doing. Just 5 seconds after we'd walked in, we heard a huge roar of laughter coming from the entrance. Apparently the bouncers rationalized that they'd done their job of acting cool in front of us and now we were out of sight they were allowed to laugh their heads off. Mann, my mom does the silliest things, really. I now see where i got my genes from.
Oh, Happy Lunar New Year, everyone! =)
Kaelyn
Monday, 4 February 2008
The Blaming Game
I failed my driving test...Again. When i realised i failed, i thought, "Oh okay. Whatever." Smiled and thanked my tester, calmly made my way back to school. No tears this time. But gradually...thoughts came to my mind. A suppressed three-letter word made its way out of my mind. W...H...Y??? And it was from there that The Blaming Game started.
1. The One Above. "God, how could You fail me? I trusted in You. You said i could do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Why? I don't understand. I feel...betrayed."
2. Myself. "Jenn, how could u fail again? You're such a failure. Maybe u'd never be able to pass la. Waste money only. You're much too blur to drive. Why did u even start learning anyway?"
3. The Woman. There was this woman who just had to scurry to the zebra crossing after i'd started moving off. That cost me 8 demerit points. Thanks.
4. The Tester. Looking at the paper, i wondered how he could be so nice to be and be so strict on me at the same time. Hypocrite.
5. Daniel, the boss of the driving company. Was spd to take me for evaluation before the test but didnt. "If only u had taken me, i wouldn't have failed."
Okay, i've run out of ppl to blame. For now. Hahaha. But from this i was reminded of how we all play this blaming game when unfavourable circumstances strike. I remember last time when Spike and i were watching Martin and his friends play badminton while we rested. And it was interesting. Sometimes when the guys miss the shuttlecock, they'd hit their badminton rackets to test if it was working properly and give their rackets the exasperated look, as if it was the racket's fault that they missed. If not, they would complain that someone left the door open and the wind was blowing in. We found it incredibly funny. And i realised it's a trend with us humans. We tend to blame. Whatever it is. An ant passing by, the cloud in the sky, whatever gets in our ways.
Yet i realised that after the incident has passed, many times it does not matter where the blame lies. What really matters is what's gonna happen after that, how are u going to remedify it. I think one good example is war. Suddenly Troy comes into my mind, and i remember the young foolish prince Paris(Orlando Bloom) who stole the other King's wife. Because of his selfish and silly actions, everyone in Troy had to go to war. I remember Orlando's brother Hector had to give his army a pep talk before they started fighting, and he said something like, "It doesnt matter why the war began. As long as our homeland is in danger, we fight!" Wahh he really v man. Haha. The ultimate courageous righteous loving Prince as opposed to his cowardly, foolish brother. But anyway, my point is that we spend much unneccessary time, effort and emotions dwelling on what does not matter. Why it happened is a thing of the past, something that cannot be changed. What u're gonna do from now on, that is what matters.
Kaelyn
Friday, 1 February 2008
A Love Song from Above
Did you ever talk to God above?
Tell Him that you need a friend to love
Pray in Jesus' name believing that
God answers prayers
Have you told Him all your cares and woes
Every tiny little fear He knows
You can know He'll always hear
And He will answer prayers
You can whisper in a crowd to Him
You can cry when you're alone to Him
You don't have to pray out loud to Him
He knows your thoughts
On a lofty mountain peak He's there
In the meadow by a stream He's there
Everywhere on earth you go
He's been there from the start
Find the answer in His word it's true
You'll be strong because He walks with you
By His faithfulness He'll change you too
God answers prayers
I really never thought i'd say this...but today i realised i missed GB and GB cell in the week i was away. Haha. Thank God for this song today, i really love it, been singing it the whole day. Cell is really so hard when there's so many ppl, it's hard to meet everyone's needs. I wonder how Von and i can manage 12 each in the future. Truly by God's grace.
Kaelyn
Psalm 32
1 Count yourself lucky, how happy you must be— you get a fresh start,
your slate's wiped clean.
2 Count yourself lucky—
God holds nothing against you
and you're holding nothing back from him.
3 When I kept it all inside,
my bones turned to powder,
my words became daylong groans.
4 The pressure never let up;
all the juices of my life dried up.
5 Then I let it all out;
I said, "I'll make a clean breast of my failures to God."
Suddenly the pressure was gone—
my guilt dissolved,
my sin disappeared.
6 These things add up. Every one of us needs to pray;
when all hell breaks loose and the dam bursts
we'll be on high ground, untouched.
7 God's my island hideaway,
keeps danger far from the shore,
throws garlands of hosannas around my neck.
8 Let me give you some good advice;
I'm looking you in the eye
and giving it to you straight:
9 "Don't be ornery like a horse or mule
that needs bit and bridle
to stay on track."
10 God-defiers are always in trouble;
God-affirmers find themselves loved
every time they turn around.
11 Celebrate God.
Sing together—everyone!
All you honest hearts, raise the roof!
-David
Kaelyn
