Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
whom shall i fear
whom shall i fear
i am yours
My Identity
Princess of God
Tidings
Saturday, 29 March 2008
Can You Wait?
Author: Warren Wiersbe Read Psalm 33:20-22
Waiting is one of the hardest things for me to do. I would rather work than wait. Somehow I always end up in the wrong lane or the wrong line, and I'm forced to wait. My impatience is probably why the Lord reminds me of verse 20: "Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield."
Why does God delay in answering prayer? He wants to give us a better blessing. Why does God delay in bringing deliverance or healing? He has something better in store for us. Our times are in His hands.
We must remember that when we wait on the Lord, we are not being idle or careless. Waiting prepares us. God works in us so that He can work for us. He knows what He is doing and has His own schedule. "The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some [people] count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish" (II Pet. 3:9).
"Our heart shall rejoice in Him" (v. 21). Waiting ultimately leads to worship. The day will come when you will rejoice in the Lord because you have trusted in His holy name. "Let Your mercy, O Lord, be upon us, just as we hope in You" (v. 22). We have hope and faith in waiting on the Lord. If you find it hard to wait, remember that God's delays are not His denials. He has a greater blessing in store for you. You can be sure that one day the waiting will end, and you will start worshiping and praising Him.
Are you waiting for God to answer a specific prayer? Keep trusting Him to work on your behalf. Your waiting will turn into worship and praise.
Kaelyn
Wednesday, 26 March 2008
Spiderwick
Went to watch "The Spiderwick Chronicles" just now. Not bad, but rather short, 1.5 hrs only. Ending a bit abrupt but nice overall. I love this kinda fantasy show! Anyways...the Caucasian kids sitting in front of me were damn cute.
So in the show Gerald was saying, "We can use ketchup to kill the goblins."
And one of the kids went, "REALLY?! But... i thought ketchup is delicious."
Then there was another time when the story was getting really hyped up, and all 4 of them started bouncing in their seats, literally, in excitement.
Cutie pies. =)
Kaelyn
Sunday, 23 March 2008
Sanctification Week
I feel like i dropped out of school and became a full-time church worker this week. Haha. Tues for choir rehearsal, Thurs Fri Sat for Sancti week, and Sun for choir, service, and congre. Actually it's kinda relaxing somehow, ermm maybe also cos there's no gb this week haha. But still, i did feel like ponning congre to catch up on my school stuff and just to chill out a bit...
Thank God i didn't. Though much of the first part was simply recapping things mentioned during Sancti week, i caught the full meaning of the whole idea of Sanctification, of Easter Sunday, of Ps Khong's seemingly simple evangelistic message, towards the end. I realised the condition of my heart. Perhaps, not Faithful, not just Loveless, but like the majority of the Church, Lukewarm. The compassion i once had for the lost had gradually diminished over time. The fire that once burnt so bright and strong had slowly become but a soft flame, sustaining but not...captivating. Serving had somehow evolved from passion to obligation, and though on the surface everything seemed the same i knew much had changed.
Serving...is really not easy. I guess, the hardest part is when obstacles come. When i was serving in UWC, gosh it was so hard to sustain, when noone seems to appreciate. Rushing down all the way to play with the kids during their recess time, planning activities and buying things for them. And what do we get for tt? A card(we gave them to write to ppl) to thank us-not for spending time with them-but for the constant supply of balloons. I remember once i went all the way there, and there was only one girl waiting for us-the rest found more exciting things to do-playing ball, skipping etc. Though it was a good time spent talking...i really felt like there wasn't any progress. Bottom line: I don't feel rewarded for my work.
Gkidz was fun, there was the reward of being hugged by cute lil' kids. Seriously, when one of my kids run towards me for a hug, smiling, it really makes me wanna melt. But i wasn't really serving God. I was...serving my own interest of playing with kids.
And then i started GB, something that i'd once said i'd NEVER do. I never thought i would be able to relate to sec sch kids, and i seriously had no interest in doing so. Haha never say never. Well in the end i went for what began as,"Just go and see see" to plunging full force into the ministry. And i don't regret it. I think...through it all i have grown so much. I still remember the Egg-camp last June, i think i've never tortured myself like that before. Honestly i think i grew up rather spoilt. And i hate camps. But that time, i roughed it out on the hard cold floor of the classroom, with cockcroaches running around, for 4 nights straight, sleeping for just a few hours every night. No, the last night didn't even sleep, cos Von, Des, Chng and i were doing sentry duty-sitting in front of the girls' tents watching over them. Still don't understand the logic of that actually, seeing as their tents were in the school complex. Haha. And that's just the night. During the day, it was one challenge after another-serving others first, always eating last, cleaning up after everyone, rahrahing when all i wanna do is collapse onto the ground, making friends with the girls, praying for them, and when everyone goes to sleep at the end of the day, go for debrief meeting. Not to mention that Ps Will just suddenly decided to ask me to co-host the night session, and right after i had (kinda) accepted that challenge, Ps Deb asked me to share my testimony in another session. Wah, i still remember that time, i was shivering with fear actually. But i knew i couldn't be selfish and hold back, because my story might just speak to some of the girls, and i couldn't rob them of that. Haha yall don't know this...but i went to hide somewhere to pray and prepare for the challenges, and i cried. I really struggled. Honoured yes, very, that the Lord would choose to use me, but scared nevertheless. But i did it. And i know the Lord used me to do something miraculous that night. That was the season...where i stepped intentionally out of my comfort zone frequently. It was like...Daniel and his friends walking into the fire, or into the lions' den.
But things have changed. Not just feeling unappreciated, i've been feeling really inadequate after that incident. Really doubt if i'm making any difference in changing lives, doubt myself. And when doubt comes in, sometimes the perseverance wavers and wanes. But, "God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." I searched 'continue' in Biblegateway and i found 148 repetitions of the word. We all need countless reminders and encouragements to motivate us to continue doing good.
My comfort zone, and i guess everyone else's, is to serve myself. At the core of every human being is selfishness. What Ps Khong said is very true, sometimes we get so caught up in our lil' clans, coming to church to receive from God, and enjoy each others' presence, that we fail to look out of our safe green comfy pasture. Fail to see all the lost sheep around us, fail to do anything to bring them into safe meadows, fail to protect them from wolves all around. But staying in comfort zones for long is deadly. Think couch potato. It's fun to do it for a night, maybe two. But for your whole life? You'd start to grow lethargic, dirty, unhappy, ugly, mentally unsound, depressed.
As i was singing, "I worship You..I worship You...", God convicted me that i do not mean what i sing unless my desire is aligned with His, to see His sheep saved. Not just to seek His Hand of blessing, not just His Face or presence, but to seek after His Heart, to passionately share His burden for His people. Why? Why preach the gospel? Because i don't want to go to Heaven one day, and push past the crowds to look for my family, and my closest friends...to find that they're not there. That fear...is so real. Because physical death is so inevitable. Like Ps Khong said, the statistics for death is...1 out of 1. And that fear would motivate me to love. Death...will motivate me to live.
Today is Easter Sunday. And today i remember the day i came to know Him, which is now, in retrospect, the most important day of my life. I remember also a very significant moment, years ago in Encounter Weekend, when i was watching the Passion of the Christ. When Jesus was being whipped and scourged and tortured and crucified, i was wailing and crying, my heart grieved and in pain. I know not this Man, but He came to die for me. And i remember saying then, through my wails, that i want to lead a life that will not let Him die in vain.
Jesus, i am not capable, of leading a life that will glorify You. But by Your grace Lord, help me. Help me to share Your heartbeat for the lost, help the fire to burn bright and strong again. Help me Lord, not to ever let You die in vain.
Kaelyn
Wave Therapy
Thank God for the opportunity to visit the beach amidst a very busy week...even if it was just for half an hour or so. Haha i really enjoyed myself. Wave therapy is really so effective, just standing there dipping our feet in the lapping waves, feeling the sand on our feet, looking at the vast blue sea, the vast blue sky, and feeling the wind in our hair...in that moment all the tension i hadn't even known existed just melted into the sea. Sigh. I love the beach so much. Seriously i think people should do a monthly beach visit to retain their sanity sometimes.
East Coast-my favourite
Me, Nadia and Amanda
Same same, but different. Lol.
The gorgeous beach.
Kaelyn
Wednesday, 19 March 2008
HEHE.
Loi's favourite. =)
Had fun today with Mien, Juannies, Fen, Hans and Cheng. Been soo long since i've met u mien and fen. Love yall much much. Huggs! Mahjong and Baileys soon. Cant wait.
Kaelyn
Saturday, 15 March 2008
Humility in Confrontation
So often...when faced in a situation where you think u are right, pride builds up. Indignance builds up. You feel like you have the right to be angry, and the other party has the responsibility to see their own faults, and come to you to apologize. We see....only the speck in the other person's eye, but not the plank in our own. We may not technically be wrong, but simply being proud...is a potential plank.
Hurt turned to anger, and caused much turmoil. But amazingly...love overtook anger and hurt. Love, that did not come from myself, could not possibly come from me. But Love, that came from Heaven above. Love...that amazed me. I could not comprehend the overwhelming love i felt for these whom i feel have hurt me. It could only have been God. And i told myself then, hate me all you want. I will continue to love you. I will not give up on you. I will not give up on the others. I will, continue to love. Because...this is the purpose of my life. To love.
Humility in confrontation...is such a powerful tool. It is not easy to bow our heads in humility when we feel it is the other party's fault. But how powerful it is! Today, i applied it, not once but twice.
I really loathe it when my mom packs my stuff and i can't find my things. Really, really can't stand it. This is something i havent been able to conquer as yet. It always baffles me why i can be so nice to complete strangers and only lose my temper at the one person who prolly loves me most in this world, after God. And so everytime i get angry at her i get angry at myself for getting angry at her and urggh tt feeling's bad. I actually set reminders in my hp to "Remember to love Mommy" sometimes.
Anyways, it happened again today. Each time, i would try to find it, for a long time, then i would ask my mom the first time, nicely, controlled. And most times she would say, i dunno la how i know where your things are i never take. But it is so obviously her who packed my things, they aren't where i left them. And she knows it. It gets me really mad sometimes, i just cannot understand why she can't just leave my things as they are. But today i not only bit my tongue to stop myself from snapping at her, i tried something else after calming myself down. I tried...Humility.
So i prayed, and then i approached her. And said, "Mom how's yr cough? Better? Btw...i found my things alr. Hmm mom? Thanks for helping me pack my stuff. I really appreciate it, it's really clean. But sometimes, when u switch the positions i can't find my stuff, and it might not be your fault, maybe i misplaced it myself, but cos the positions are rearranged i'd tend to attribute the fault to you...and i'm sorry sometimes i get upset with u cos of tt."
Mom: Aiya everytime help u pack yr stuff, u dont appreciate, next time don't touch yr things alr. (as usual) You're very bad at finding things leh u know.
Me: No, please dont misunderstand, i really appreciate u packing my stuff, i do. It's just that ya, like u said i'm very bad at finding things. So when things change position a bit, i can't find already. So while i appreciate your help, it'd be good if u leave me to pack my things myself. Okay?
Mom: Yupp, i understand. Next time i'd let u pack yourself. *smiles* go do yr stuff, go.
Try it, it works. =)
Kaelyn
Who Am I Casting Crowns
The song on my blog front page that i never knew was a song. Haha. Such a beautiful, meaningful song. Lord my identity is not based on what others think of me, not even on what i think of myself. My identity is based on what You think of me. I am Yours Lord, I am Yours alone, and noone else's.
Kaelyn
Friday, 14 March 2008
Mahjong with the Girls
I really enjoyed myself ysd. Lol. And i must most definitely blog bout this. So everytime we go Juan's for mahjong, the drawers of her mahjong table will always have lizard eggs inside. So as usual, we'd make Hanni smash them... This time, however, we were in for a shock. In the split second after she smashed them we all saw two tiny lizard like thingies. But we thought they most prob were ded. A split second later, both thingies shot out of their destroyed eggs like lightning bolts, while we jumped on the bed and SCREAMED AND SCREAMED and held each other in utmost fear. DAMN SCARY. Thank God for Juan's mom, super brave, she went to catch them. Woah but what an experience.
Then Juan had to show me her wriggling mealworms(for feeding fish). WALAO one shock after another, seriously. HAHA when she showed Hans from behind, Hans at first thought it was something for her to eat.
Thirdly, Hanniwongs pulled out one of her hair extensions. So, us being us, we put it promptly into Juan's mahjong drawer. LOL. The funny thing was that when she screamed while trying to get her chips, all of us kena shocked too and we screamed as well. Hahha. Heart attack manns.
Oh yarr, and we had a Skype session with Lynnie the much missed babe. Haha through Skype her actions were slow and lagging and she looked like she was dancing some weird dance, and sounded like an alien. Lol. But really appreciated the contact, and it was good to know she was doing well. I think if i'm staying in a foreign country by myself...i'd be damn scared. But at least she's Chris there with her. Not that he can see this, but Chris? Do take good care of Lynnies ya.
Anyways, i really didn't realise i'd lost so much weight until ysd. It's really quite scary, pants that were tight in the past have become wearable, and those which fit just right before are now...falling off. So please, if u see me don't pull at my pants, for fun or anything. Lol. I can't believe i could fit into those black pants Hans. I need to gain weight, and health, to donate blood. At least now that i'm going NUH to work, i can easily go donate blood during my break. Bloodbank smsed me again today. O Blood Donors, go do your stuff.
Kaelyn
It is my Destiny
Did my DISC profiling that day, found that my public and perceived self is IS, and my private self is slightly more S than I. All these with D and C under the line. Meaning...i have a cousellor profile! Quite amazed. It was like God confirming my destiny. Anyway, it also meant that my private self is more quiet than usual. And i thought, that's very true! I've always wondered what happened from the transition to secondary school for me. From a shy quiet lil' girl in primary school, i suddenly evolved into a can't-stop-talking, yak and yak siao zhar bor in secondary school. Haha was telling Hanni it's partly cos she always bring me ard and force me to talk to ppl. Lol. Anyways, i think few ppl know my private self-those who do, are really quite close to me.
Another time i was reading this Lucado book, "Finding my Sweet Spot", and God showed me three areas of my "Sweet Spot"s.
Firstly, it is again counselling. Even from sec sch when i was siao zhar bor somehow people'll come to me to share their probs, even ppl who are not close to me. Guess i'm born to be a listener.
Secondly, writing. Not that i'm some fantastic writer or even close, but i've always loved to read and write since young. Recently my mom told me there was once my pri sch teacher maligned me of getting someone to write my essay for me; she didn't believe i wrote it myself. Haha. Somehow i've forgotten that most part of my childhood, i dunno why. Still trying to figure out while studying Psych, maybe i was hurt during childhood and i didn't know, subconsciously my defence mechanism is making me forget. Lol.
Thirdly, Juan yall are gonna laugh at this. I realised i actually have a hint of creativitity in me! I may not be able to draw, but i like to sketch, and design. Somehow i've always thought it was coincidence that i took part in art competitions outside school when i was young and won quite a few trophies, that two of my paintings were displayed in my sec sch, my sculpture presented to the VP, the fact that i love to make Jenni Homemade Cards, and my working at the florist now. But God used the book to show me that it wasn't coincidence.
What's your Sweet Spot? Life takes on a clearer path when you manage to find it. =)
Kaelyn
Sunday, 9 March 2008
My Day
Save for the getting up early, 9am service rocks. Doesn't kill your whole precious Sunday like Youth service. And i love it when there's...some 10000 of us worshipping God all at once, with raised hands, raised flags and raised voices. That sight is really...woah. It's what God sees when He sees us as a whole, and today as i was praising Him i saw/felt His face break into a wide grin like that of a lil' boy being given his favourite toy. Not that He needed our praises, but when His children came together today and told Him how much we love Him...like any of us would His heart melted with delight. Jesus, i want to make You smile like that everyday. I want to let You know each day how much i love You...
Spike's graduation ceremony was boring. Like, really v boring. Hours of waiting and monotonous talks, of taking photos and clapping hands. I really don't like such formal events. =/ BUT...after waiting for 2.5 hrs, i got my reward. Yummy Hilton Hotel Buffet. Surprising good. Haha so maybe i don't have a very good impression of a certain descendent of the Hilton Family.
Home, was spd to study...but didn't feel right. Nothing really was wrong with my life, yet i just felt..miserable. Mood swings? I don't know. In the end..i ran to God. Cried to Him. Sung to Him. And played guitar for Him. I developed a new way of praying today. I'd practice my strumming while praying aloud, a different note for a different person. Haha. Shoot two birds with one stone. Fun.
Today...i cooked. Haven't cooked for a long long time. So it was...Chilli Kangkong and Campbell soup with noodles. Yummy! Haha. After which i washed the dishes, mopped the floor. And to top it all up, i washed and hung the clothes. Lol. It's so easy!!! The washing machine is really such a gem, it's amazing. Everytime i see my mom handwash so painstakingly i feel that washing clothes is so...traumatic. But she just refuses to use the washing machine la, except for the spin dry. Thinks it's not clean. Silly. Can only wait till she's not home to secretly wash the clothes with the miracle machine to save her some back-breaking work. I feel...Housewifey. Sense of achievement somehow. But...what am i doing? I've got an essay due wed, and a test tues morn. I'm a student-not yet a housewife.
Kaelyn
Saturday, 8 March 2008
Get Down (Audio Adrenaline)
Lavishly our lives are wasted Humbleness is left untasted You can’t live your life to please yourself, yeah That’s a tip from my mistakes Exactly what it doesn’t take To win you’ve got to come in last place To live your life you’ve got to lose it And all the losers get a crown
Chorus: I get down and he lifts me up I get down and he lifts me up I get down and he lifts me up I get down
All I need’s another day Where I can’t seem to get away From the many things that drag me down, yeah I’m sure you’ve had a day like me Where nothing seems to set you free From the burdens you can’t carry all alone In your weakness he is stronger In your darkness he shines through When you’re crying he’s your comfort When your all alone, he’s carrying you
Chorus
This valley is so deep I can barely see the sun I cry out for mercy, lord You lift me up again
Kaelyn
Home Sweet Home
This is the view i see when i look out my kitchen window...littered with buildings and filled with air pollution but somehow, my Jurongland has become home to me, and i love that comforting familiar sight so much. If i were to move house, i prolly won't stay in Jurong cos of the inaccessibility-and the East has temptations of the beaches and Changi Airport. But i will most certainly miss this place i have come to know as home since i was 1 yr old. I'm proud to be a Jurong-kia. =)
My home...is somewhere i instinctually return to at the end of each day. Somewhere i can slow down, heave a huge sigh of relief, and cry at the end of a bad day. Somewhere i can totally be myself. Somewhere which holds all my lil' burrows i like to squirm into. Somewhere where my beloved family is.
"This is home, truly, where i know i must be." Haha, early National Day prelude.
Such an emotionally draining day, countless confrontations all in one day. But i thank God for all tt's transpired, i know what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger...Thank God for Spike, and my mom. Haven't had such deep talks for awhile. I really feel so loved, and guided, by my family, tt no matter what happens, i know they'd be there for me, holding my hand, crying with me in the bad times, and laughing with me in the good. Thank God for my family, my home.
Kaelyn
Thursday, 6 March 2008
Physical Perceptions
Was listening to the radio that day, someone was commenting that Singaporean girls are always wearing spag tops, skinny jeans and heels like it's a uniform. He was saying that it could be because of laziness to be creative and also the lack of courage to be daring and try out new styles. The way it sounded to me...was like he was implying that a woman's worth depended solely on her dressing, and her outward appearances.
The desire to be beautiful is innate in every girl, at the core of our hearts. I was reading about eating disorders for my test-particularly anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa, and it was so very scary. Especially the sort where one would try to diet, then when their resolve dies off, binge heavily on comfort food, and then proceed to purge it all out, usually by induced vomitting. These sufferers would usually hide these in the dark, and be terribly ashamed and disgusted by their own behaviour, yet lack the resolve to break out of this dark cycle. A small proportion die, and many others enter into depression, and get stuck in this obsession throughout their lives. Just thinking about it made me squirm. These girls, in their desperate pursuit for beauty, or rather their perception of what is beautiful, give up their lives...
There was also the topic of 'Yummy Mummy'-many celebrity mothers get back their perfect figures just weeks, or months after their pregnancies (most prob through surgery/extensive treatment), and this is causing pressure on many mothers to subscribe to this 'ideal', and many feel disgusted at their bodies after birth. What has 'ideals' become? Inattainable looks and figures (save for surgery and/or extensive maintenance) splashed across the media that has served to kill the self-esteem of women around the world-and in some cases, the very lives. Even for the less extreme cases, it seems being dissatisfied with one's looks has become a norm in this era, explaining the high emphasis girls put on their looks in recent years, spending fortunes and even long hours 'putting themselves right'.
As a girl/woman, i likewise am not completely free of the implications that this discourse has caused us. There're days where i feel pretty, and i feel good...But there's also days where i feel unpretty, and these are the days where i dread looking into a mirror. Every girl knows what i'm talking about. The 'bad hair days', the 'breakouts', etc. And somehow...my mood is inevitably affected on the days i don't perceive myself to be attractive. I've since learnt a coping mechanism for these 'ugly days'...
On these days i would look at trees, flowers, the skies...and i would praise God. I would praise Him for His awesome, captivating beauty...and tell Him, "God, Your beauty is more than enough." And more than once God would tell me, "You are wonderfully and fearfully made. You are mine. You are beautiful." When i worry that the clothes i wear distort how i look, and feel like running home to change into something nicer, He'd tell me, "Jenn, it's not the clothes that make you. It's you who makes the clothes look nice." So sweet right. Haha.
And then there are times i get proud...when people compliment me repeatedly on my looks and subconsciously pride gets into my heart. These times i would repent, and pass on the roses of compliments to the True Recipient, Jesus. In the end, i know what makes me attractive is God, shining in me, through me, inside and out. It is...ultimately the inside that i want to be known for. It is also ultimately the inside that i look for. Some of my male lecturers, though middle-aged and a bit plump, really impress me and my girlfriends. They're intelligent, they're nice, and they're godly(some). That's like, WOAH. Not that i'm seriously attracted to them, but u know, i wouldn't mind one day having a husband like that. Compared to the guys i see in CLEO, or some mag...can't even be compared. I don't know when it happened, but there came a time when i lost interest in 'typically good-looking guys'. Particularly the model kind. =/ (no offence, guy models, everyone's entitled to their preference.)
It always strikes me how surface many guys are(not all). It is truly dramatic, the stark disparity in the way guys(strangers, i mean) treat me when i'm all dressed up, versus me in my lap chap dressing/bad haircut/etc. And it never fails to disgust me.
But praise be to God! I really have grown much in this area. Most days find myself doing my usual basic makeup in less than 5 mins, grabbing a top and jeans and heading out. As for going downstairs...errmm i usually look pretty much like i just woke up. Haha. I used to care. But thinking bout it, who cares what strangers think? There's so much freedom in being able to accept who you are, the way you are. So much freedom in just wearing what u want to wear, and not fretting bout others' opinions of you. Just...being yourself.
Kaelyn
Ke ai de nai nai men
Just gotta share this. Was on the train that day and someone gave up his seat for the elderly. Prob is, there were like, 3 or 4 old grannies standing around. Sensing confusion in the air, one of the grannies took charge and said, "Lai ar lai ar, wo men shui zui lao, qu zuo." In other words, "Come come, who's the oldest amongst us, go sit." I giggled to myself and gave up my seat too. Cute old grannies.
Kaelyn
Social Work my Dearest
Blog blog...i miss you so much. Been fasting from going online, particularly msn-it took me a week to realise that while i'm not addicted to tv/games, i'm addicted to msn, and just going online-and it robs me of much precious sleep, and time to do other things. So well, forgive me for the long essays cos i'm just about to burst from all the things i wanna blog about.
Life's been...an explosion of colours! Like rainbow coloured paints being splashed simultaneously onto the wall of my life. Not particularly any big event but just lotsa happening things happening everyday, almost every moment. Feels like someone put me on a bullet train and i didn't realise it. What surprises me is that i'm actually kinda enjoying it. Okay so it gets stressful sometimes. But i think God is teaching me to learn to handle things better. I love that He never fails to remind me in His gentle loving voice, "Jenn, never forget that I once promised you that no matter what challenge i allow you to take up, I'd also give you the ability to meet the challenge. Don't fret. One step at a time." And it never fails to bring me that peace and deep heave of relief from the inside out.
Big transition coming soon, went for the internship talk today, and came out filled with mixed feelings. So so excited about going out into the real world to commence this profession that i have chose, yet at the same time fears of inadequacy, loneliness(if i work alone) and inability to cope with my emotions cripples me. Haha and i still can't imagine wearing formal wear for...months, everyday. Anna we must go shop k haha. Everytime i wear my sis's office clothes(relunctantly)for formal events i feel like a little girl in Mommy's clothes.
Spoilt for choice. I've always wanted to work in a hospital since young. I don't know why, but as a kid i naively liked the 'clean' and sterilized look and smell of hospitals, and even now i'm weirdly drawn towards the hospital setting. Maybe as i grow older it's also the influence of TV shows, how they depict medical social workers, pediatricians and psychologists.
Family service centre. The Youth work sounds interesting. Going for outreach camps, etc. Actually it sounds like what i'm already doing in GB. Haha. I'm interested in Family Violence cases too but not at this level, maybe 10 years down the road. Haha. I always thought, it's super-hard to try to counsel someone much older than you, when u're so young. One look and they've summed you up as a naive know-nothing try-too-hard fresh grad-no, undergrad.
Thirdly, MCYS. Hmm not v interested. Dunno why, same as why i chose NUS instead of NTU though NTU's SOO much nearer. Gut feeling.
I think...i'm leaning towards MSW still. But don't wanna get my hopes up too high, the first-come-first-serve thingy...sounds hard to beat. Leave it in God's hands.
Social work...is really like a big family. I really love all my lecturers, and my classmates. Everyone's just so nice, it's like i'm back in church. But beyond the outward niceness i guess it's the common ground that binds us together-the burning passion to help people, to advocate change, for a better world. Not everyone shares that belief. Not everyone LIVES for that. I thank God that Singapore's starting to recognise Social Work as a professional career now, and mindsets are changing. Hurray!
Kaelyn
Tuesday, 4 March 2008
Happy 21st Elissa Loi Shiling!!
Of all days in the year...YumCha chooses to have their Annual Dinner and Dance on 4th March!Quite hilarious actually. I mean, the probability is like, 1/365.
Backup plan-jap buffet at Cathay.
Blurness.
Birthday girl makes her wish(es)! May your wishes come true. Or rather, prayers haha. Photo sucks but i dont have any other so make do la har. La har. Lol. Love you dear. =)
P.S. i'd get u something alive next yr.
Kaelyn
Saturday, 1 March 2008
Journey
It's a long long journey Till I know where I'm supposed to be It's a long long journey And I don't know if I can believe When shadows fall and block my eyes I am lost and know that I must hide It's a long long journey Till I find my way home to you
Many days I've spent Drifting on through empty shores Wondering what's my purpose Wondering how to make me strong
I know I will falter I know I will cry I know you'll be standing by my side It's a long long journey And I need to be close to you
Sometimes it feels no one understands I don't even know why I do the things I do When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul Will you break down these walls and pull me through
Cause it's a long long journey Till I feel that I am worth the price You paid for me on Calvary Beneath those stormy skies
When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes It feels like everything is out to make me lose control Cause it's a long long journey Till I find my way home to you To you
-Corrinne May
Kaelyn
The Leap Years
The show really blew me away. I could really emphatize with Li-Ann's dilemma. To wait...or not to wait? What would possess someone to wait 16 years for one person, simply based on the retrospective embrace of one night spent together?
Jeremy said this to Li-Ann to which i was nodding furiously to. "I admire your courage. So many people want to fall in love...for the sake of falling in love. Because they're afraid of being lonely."
It's so hard to resist falling in love for the sake of it. The heart is deceitful above all else. And i wanna guard my heart above all else, for out of the heart flows the wellsprings of life. How then do u know if it is true love? Like Nuan once asked me..."How do u know if he's the one?" Hahaha to which Class 95 answered, "I guess...you'd never really know." So ambiguous. So perplexing. Such is the entanglement of romantic connections in this world.
Jeremy...and i'm speaking to all guys out there...please learn to guard girls' hearts. For a Princess's heart is so precious, like that of a Cartier diamond. And until you have that capacity to purchase the diamond...don't come in and steal it away. Love is not possessing. Love is wanting the best for the person you love. Even if it means setting her free.
But what if that person is the one for you? I guess then...like the butterfly that evades when you try to grasp it, but comes back when you're not expecting it...she will return. Who knows what lies ahead of us? Life is so unpredictable...yet it is that characteristic of life that makes it so exciting.
Sometimes i wonder why so many of us have to be plagued by the complications of these entanglements, so many times in our lives. Like Corrinne sings in the show..." I just want to run, just want to hide away, close my eyes to your gaze" Just feel like escaping, and running away to a divine utopia, or to the easy companionship of girlfriends.
Des, Chng, Sik...i really enjoyed yr company a lot today. Let's hold on to our promise and meet same place, same time, the next Leap Year k. I wonder...if any of us would be married by then. Haha. Looking forward to growing old together. Des...really enjoyed talking to u. Love yall. =)
