I spent most of the day travelling today...and reading "The Lovely Bones". It was a dream-like kinda day, a much-needed retreat that i didn't realise i needed so badly. When i reached Expo and explored the area, finally realizing there wasn't a soul in sight, i felt...relieved. I smiled to myself for being silly (again), and deep inside i was glad i could have more time alone, with God.

In that moment, walking down the long and empty hallway, staring at the skies and the fields of greenery and blooms, i felt so free. It was as if in that instant, God carried me away to another dimension where i was just me, Jenn. Not Jennifer the GB Officer, Tuition Teacher, Cell Leader/Member, Florist, Student, Social Work Intern. I was just a soul released, flying away to skies untouched, running unleashed in fields of blooms, not running late to yet another appointment. I was allowed to be me, and i was allowed to be selfish. To spend time doing what i wanted to do, for once taking care of myself, instead of the people around me. It's been awhile since i've really felt taken care of, doted upon.

At the seminar almost 2 hours later, i was surprised to find that "Why in the world do we work?" was not just some boring talk about the steps to evangelise and transform your marketplace. It was, in fact, what i needed. What struck me most was 'margins'. Without the margins at the corner of the pages in our exercise book, we would write all the way to the end of the paper. We might have made use of every inch on that paper, but was it neat? Did it serve its purpose of being legible? Perhaps not. We all need our physical, emotional, financial and spiritual margins to keep us sane, to keep us healthy. Else any slight irritant, adversity or temptation would send us flying in sparks of anger, bouts of tears, or dark tunnels of sin. It was then that God spoke to me, that it was okay to be tired. It was okay to rest. In fact, rest was a command. The Sabbath was instituted for that exact reason.

So i went home to rest after the seminar. I slept. And then I made my way to Seok's for her bday party.

The half mark of the year has come and passed, and as usual in my flurry of busyness i failed even to stop and allow that to sink in. After being to numerous 21st birthday parties, i started to think of my own which would arrive in a flash. The big 2-1 that's unknowingly creeped up on me as each week, month and year fly past. The two numbers that would signify the birth of adulthood. Do people really grow up according to their chronological ages? I don't think so. I've seen many children and teenagers trapped in adult bodies, their self-consciousness and uncertainty intact, but outwardly they are forced to behave like the throng of people their age, pretending they know what to do, struggling and fighting to fit in with the rest.

I've always loved taking 172 at night. It was nostalgic, and i loved how it passed by the cemetries and the quiet areas, loved how the bus would pick up speed and fly through the night, as though for that moment, it possessed a power noone could rob it of. As the orange lights flew past, my thoughts started to trail back to the past. Memories i thought i had laid aside came alive again. I guess people never really forget. Things that matter to you would always come back, in one form or another, to remind you of them every once in awhile. I remembered the time i was a vulnerable little girl, when i clung onto the people around me for comfort, for safety, for love. I remembered the hurt i felt when they left, the helplessness, the fear. I remembered how lost i had felt. Like an ant might feel if it were trapped in somebody's hair.

Sometimes i still see shadows of myself from the past. That horrific period in my life that felt like a perpetual nightmare. The girl on the bus, trying to blink her tears away. The girl sitting alone on the steps, staring into space as if her soul had been kidnapped. The girl walking aimlessly, wishing she knew where she was heading to. The girl staying up in the middle of the night, without a desire to rest or ingest, just existing, just denying. The girl gone wild, having lost all sense and purpose.

But gone is the past now. Here is the present.
Lord, lead my soul to prance in the air without restraint.
Lead me to You, to Your fields of peace and rest.

The Lord is my Shephard,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His Name's sake.

Yea, even though i walk through the valleys of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil.
For You are with me,
Your rod and Your staff,
They comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
In the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil.
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life.
And i will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

-David