So excited to praise God and give Him glory. Where shall i start? Heee....with my driving test, of course.

So on my 4th attempt, i finally passed my driving test. The road safety video i had to watch after that was technically damn lame, but to me, it was the one of the best shows i've watched. Haha. When the person in the video said, "Congratulations on passing your driving test. This is a highly coveted license, and i believe you must have put in a lot of effort to get it.", i felt like crying, cos it really was a long and arduous journey for me. Lol.

I remember the first time i took my driving test. I was quite confident, thinking i could pass the first time. I remember the shock and fear when i hit the curb while doing vertical parking-it had never happened before, and i didn't know what to do.

The second time i took the test, ermm...I don't even remember what i failed at anymore. Lol.

The third time, i got 16 points. And the instructor was so kind as to want to let me pass even after i'd committed 2 immediate failures. But i failed to give way to some motorbikes on my way back, and that was the 3rd immediate failure. He said he wanted to pass me but he couldnt, cos i'd go out and kill ppl and he'd be responsible. I agreed with him. After the test, I thought of giving up. I thought, "I'm really too blur to drive. I don't know which lane to turn to, don't know how to judge road conditions. I don't know directions. Why did i even learn driving in the first place?" But in the end i told myself i cannot take the easy way out and surrender. I will face my giants, i will fight on till the end. So i did.

The fourth time, i was super scared before the test. It was all that occupied my mind the entire week. Just thinking about it made me want to cry. Every night before i sleep i would pray about it, and i would visualize the entire process of the test-waiting for the tester and route, walking to the car, going around the circuit, driving out, coming back, guessing from the tester's expression if i'd passed or failed, the anticipation, the dread, the fear. I tried to desensitize myself, tried to overcome my phobia. The day before the test, God touched me immensely with this verse.

"Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for me?"
-Jer 32:26

It really struck me then. If God is for me, who can be against me? And if i fear God, there is nothing else that i should fear. In that moment i knew He was with me, and somehow, the Holy Spirit would take me through, whether or not i pass the test. But i still really wanted to pass. I thought about the past 3 times i'd failed. My mom asked why i didn't pray. I did, i prayed for every test. But why did God allow me to fail? I believe each time was for a reason, to allow me to overcome my fear of failure, to allow my faith in Him to grow stronger. I called Mel that night, to pray for me. And while she prayed, i cried like a baby. To me, this was scarier than PSLE, O-level and A-levels combined. I had never been scared of examinations. But this was really a struggle for me.

On that day, i was filled with a peace that transcended my understanding. Even my instructor said, "I can see that you're not nervous today. Very good." Somehow everything went smoothly. And my sister prayed for me the day before, "...blind the eyes of the tester to the mistakes she makes". Truly, it came to pass. There was once i forgot to change to gear 1 before starting off, and he even told me and laughed. But he forgot to mark it down in his tablet (now everything is computerized). Also, i think he's a rather strict tester. In all the 4 times i've taken, this is the first time he made me do everything in the circuit-all 6 items. And i did everything flawlessly, somehow. Plus, the things he demerited me for were like very minor things like insufficient acceleration and not glancing at sideroads. He also demerited me 4 points for not checking for vertical parking, which i did. Haha. So it's really by the grace of God that i managed to pass with 14 points. Praise the Lord! Thanks to all who prayed. =)

Been busy serving Him this week, leading 3 words a week wouldnt have seemed possible to me in the past, and honestly, i felt like asking someone else to take over for Sunday's word. But somehow God gave me the strength, and He gave me the words. It was no coincidence that the long ago planned words were similar, and in all 3 cells there was the same song-"A Broken Spirit". I believe it is really God speaking, and it should be tireless for me because i didn't do anything at all-except pass the message.

Today's service was so good, i cried until i was so tired. Lol. Jason Wong really inspired me, he reminded me of John Eldredge. A really godly man who would go all out to obey God and who hears from God directly. A high-ranking man and yet evidently humble in heart. A good husband and father. A lover of children, of the hurting and lost people out there. An adventurous man, who would travel to the ends of the Earth to hear from God. Wow. I want a husband like that.

When the fathers in the congregation knelt down to ask for our forgiveness, i couldn't stop crying. That grown, proud men would humble themselves this way. It isn't as if my father doesn't love me, all these years, i know he does. But yet everytime i see a little girl run into her daddy's arms, there is still this ache in my heart, a tear in my eye. How i long for a godly, loving, warm father who has been there for me all my years of growing up, a father whom i can hug without thinking, whom i can share my troubles with, who will stand up for me when the going gets tough. A father who will guide me, and lead by example. I forgive you, Dad, for not giving me what i need. And i hope you forgive me, too, in times when i was not able to fulfil my role as a daughter well.

Watching "Money Not Enough 2" with my mother was really revelational. I really felt so guilty of taking my parents for granted-all the times they gave to us so unconditionally, yet we just look past their sacrifices and think only of ourselves, giving them the bare minimum. At that moment i thought, it is impossible for me to ever repay my parents. Impossible. All the decades of love, effort, of sacrifice, of time, money, heartaches and so much more. Ever since my parents had my sister and i, their lives no longer belonged to them. Their lives belonged to us, revolved around us. And i am certain, that if i were in a life or death situation, that my parents would sacrifice themselves to save me. Such a love, so close to Jesus's. It is hard to comprehend. I want to start loving my parents the way they have been loving me from now on. To go out of my way for them, make sacrifices for them. It is not going to be easy, but God help me.

"When u're still counting how much u give, you're still expecting reciprocation. But it is when you have given up and lost count of how much you give, that you no longer expect anything in return. It is then that you start loving, unconditionally."
-God