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Rediscovering Eden

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

whom shall i fear
whom shall i fear
i am yours

My Identity

Princess of God

Tidings

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Revelation

I think now...i finally understand the difference in leading, and being led...=)

Kaelyn

Sunday, 26 October 2008

To my dearest friend

I was really glad to talk to u again after so long...hadn't realised it's been more than a year. Your voice sounds so familiar, as though you never left. Haha. I'm sorry, really...you're not the only one who got caught up in your own life-i did, too. So often i'm so busy i forget about a lot of friends that i lose over the years...

You made me cry. I didn't realise it mattered. I guess i didn't realise i mattered so much to you, either. You know, the last memory i had of you was guilt, and regret too. I remember the last time we were spd to meet and i pangsehed you last min...I'd always wondered if u'd come here just to meet me, yet you took it so non-chalantly and without complaint.

You know, you're someone i will never forget. I remember once i had high fever, and i called you, and you cabbed down immediatedly to send me to the doctor's. You may not have thought much of it, but it's something i will remember for the rest of my life.

Haha and who else can bicker for hours with me over the silliest things? You're like the brother i never had.

*Huggs*

Kaelyn

Projects

My Projects Are Driving Me Crazy!!!!

haha but i love life anyhows. =)

Kaelyn

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Touched

And i'm still in shock that you really meant it.

"I would take a bullet for you anytime, sis."

"What if it's lethal?"

"Willing. To take it."

Noone has ever said that to me. Thank you. =)

Kaelyn

Monday, 20 October 2008

The Gifts we've disregarded

We watched a video the other day, during our lecture on Disabilities. It was a video filmed in the perspective of a woman who was blind and deaf. She wasn't born that way, but gradually lost both senses as she grew up. It was sad, but yet the emotions triggered wasn't of pity, but respect. She reminded me of Nick Vujicic, who chose to ignore what he didn't have and make do with what he did have. And thus with determination to live on, this woman learnt how to take care of her basic needs, cook for herself, and not just that, but she went on to study and learn a whole new language (English) from scratch! Though her pronounciation was weird (cos she couldn't hear herself), her English otherwise was perfect. She wrote a book with flawless English, and went on to teach children weaving and other skills.

What must it be like to be blind and deaf? Our sight and hearing are two unimaginably amazing Gifts of senses the Lord has bestowed onto most of us, that we take for granted. Imagine with me as we enter the world of the blind and deaf momentarily...

A world that's pitch black, no matter how many lights I turn on. A world that's silent, even when I scream my lungs out. It's hard to trust...this hand I feel, whose is it? Is he/she trying to molest me, or help me onto the bus? I can't see. I can't hear. Anything.

Woah. It's hard, really. But like the woman commented, "I don't get to see the beauty of this world...but i don't see the evils either." Because she doesn't see or hear when people mock her, point at her, give her weird glances.

But, she doesn't get to see the beauty of this world...that is something very sad, indeed. These days, everytime i look upon the lush greenery of the flora and fauna, the shadowy silhouette of the trees in the hazy glow of the streetlights, everytime i hear magical tunes of breathtaking melodies, the music of laughter and chatter, i feel...awed. And i thought to myself, "What if i lose my sight, or hearing tommorow? I'd better enjoy every minute of this privileged gift while i can. Not to forget the abilities to inhale exotic and sweet aromas, to feel a loved one's arms around you, to taste delectable, savoury food everyday...I just feel so blessed. Thank You God."

So often we grow discontented because 'the grass on the other side is always greener'. But i've learnt that the art of contentment is simply..

"It's not about having what you want, but wanting what you have."

Kaelyn

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Service

Woah. Service today just blew my mind away. I can't remember the last time i cried during Word. I just couldn't stop crying, when Pastor talked about the cancer patient he befriended, the journey of friendship, up till his death. Of special significance to me was this...feeling i felt in my heart. That somehow, my heart felt this overwhelming pain and sorrow when i hear about people suffering in the hospital, people who are ill-physically, emotionally, financial-truly down-and-out people who need help. And i know, this is the compassion that God has placed in my heart.

I wondered if this was the answer to my prayer-I've been praying about guidance in my career. I'd kinda already pushed the medical setting to the back of my mind-i'd decided i wasn't ready for it, at least not upon graduation. But why? Because i was selfish, and i was afraid. I was afraid, that the long hours and demanding work would affect my life. Was afraid i wouldn't be good enough to counsel the patients. Was afraid i would be too tired to lead cell, or even attend, if i start work at the hospital i was attached to. Was afraid i would be too busy all the time, and lose my life. And if my life wasn't right, how was i to help my clients?

Though Mel had affirmed my worries, but she'd said-IF u really feel that God is calling u to the hospital, then go. But don't go by my own efforts, because then i would drain myself out, and slide away from God, lose my joy and purpose. Go, not just to help my clients. Go, to change the work culture. Go, volunteer in my marketplace after work-i couldn't evangelize during work, but i could, if i was a volunteer after work. Especially those who are terminally ill..they need to receive salvation. Go, minister to my colleagues. Do what sounds unimaginably tough, what is beyond my limits-because it is not by might nor by power, but by God's Spirit.

Perhaps it was that "IF" calling out to me today. That ache in my heart when i see the seriously ill, or their grieving family members. Is this your answer for me, God?

I'm so happy today...because i am officially able to play the guitar! As Von would put it, this is the starting point that marks the beginning of my guitar life. Hee. Thank You God, for helping someone so not musically talented to be able to play. I will be leading worship with my guitar next week-a first for me. Haha. I hope i won't screw up. So exciting. =)

Kaelyn

Saturday, 18 October 2008

Night Safari

Night Safari in all its Halloween glow was quite fun, but i was too tired to really enjoy it. I love the cost play, especially the tree ppl who really shocked me. Haha. It's like the child in all of us, we still want to play Hide and Seek and Dress-up and scare our friends. Kinda takes the emphasis off the animals, though. Haha. Poor animals, some of them have to work OT-Zoo, then Night Safari. No wonder they're always sleeping.

There was a point on the tram where we passed by all the deer or something, and they were all staring at us. I got the feeling that we were the aliens, the 'animals on display' in their territory, and they were observing us instead. How ironic. Haha. I always feel for the Clouded Leopard, everytime i see him, he's pacing around the small enclosure he's trapped in, as though he didn't know what else he could do, resigned to his fate. How he must long to run wild in the woods again, adrenalin pumping, hunting the prey of his choice, seeking a mate to start a family of baby leopards with.

Ohh, how can i forget? I love the "Creatures of the Night" presenter la, seriously. Feel like bringing her home to cheer me up on the days i'm down. Gh's boys have found their match in her, really. Hee. Loi, she hasn't changed. She still uses the same jokes but some are impromptu, it's just in her, her humour. It's so rare huh, to find ppl who can make ppl around them burst out in laughter with almost every word they utter. Haha. They must be Asherites, God's gifts to the world. =)

Kaelyn

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Angel's Play

Today on my way to tuition, it started raining cats and dogs. Like so heavy that the bus interchange was roaring with the noise of the rain pelting the roof. I realised i hadn't brought my brolly out. Great. And i was just about recovering. In faith i prayed that it would stop by the time i reached my kid's place-that was about 10 mins away. But my logic kept coming in and saying, "It's impossible." It did seem kinda impossible, really. But i just continued praying. A few bus stops before i reached, it stopped. It was some kind of amazing, seriously. I told my kid after that, and she said, "yeah before u reached it was raining very heavily".

When i was about to leave her place, i realised i couldn't find my hp pouch. I searched my entire bag but it just wasn't there. Sigh. I really love that thing-believe it or not, it was one of the main reasons why losing my phone even mattered to me. I'd bought it at a random street in Bangkok-it wouldn't be so easy to replace. I prayed, but somewhere at the back of my mind i was thinking, "Even if someone found it, who could they return it to?" "Maybe my guardian angel has finally gotten sick of picking up my stuff behind me." Well, guess what? Apparently not.

So i decided to retrace my footsteps all the way to the busstop where i'd alighted, feeling silly staring at the ground and shrubs while curious people looked on. And just when i was about to give up, i saw...something familiar on the road beside the busstop. Ignoring the glances around me, i stooped in glee to retrieve the dirty piece of cloth that was dripping wet. "God, nothing is impossible for You afterall." Haha. So it'd lost a button, and it was so dirty that it oozed black water, but after replacing the button and washing it, it was as good as new! I believe perhaps a few buses even ran over it-explaining the loss of button-but yet it survived, somehow. Khop khun maak kha, Tuhan.

Kaelyn

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

How God sees me

I was feeling horrible squeezing with the crowd on the bus home today, my fever running high, the rain pouring like mad, the aircon making me shiver like mad. So many 'negative things' have happened over the past weeks that i just blurted out to God, "God, can You stop torturing me?"

And in that moment He turned to me, hurt, and said, "Jenn, do u think i would torture you?"
Immediately i repented and said, "Sorry God. God God, i feel so horrible..Can You show me how you see me?" And He did.

I was feeling guilty for having to cancel on Val and skipping lecture, but i was feeling so sick. I felt weak for not being able to just bear with the illness and go anyway.

God saw a girl who wanted to hold her strong and meet her friend despite feeling physically unwell, who wanted to disregard herself to not disappoint her friend, until she really couldn't take it when the sickness got worse.

I gave up my seat to an old man, though i'd really been waiting for someone else to offer him a seat-i just wanted to curl up like a prawn to get maximum heat through the shivers. I was feeling irritated and thinking, "Why can't someone who isn't sick give up their seat?"

God saw a girl who was selfless enough to give up her seat for an old man even though she was suffering herself and needed the seat as badly as he did.

God saw a girl who was brave enough to let go where a lot of people wouldn't have, who trusted Him enough to entrust her life to Him, believing that He has the best plan for her...
And He was proud of this girl, His beloved daughter.

"Wow", i thought. "That is totally not what i've been thinking of myself. Are You using the strengths-based approach on me, God? Haha."

"No", was the reply. "I meant every word of it."

It brought tears to my eyes. Every single day of my existence, He has been showing me how very much He loves me.

I was feeling emotional that day, and it was supposed to be a day of rest at home, and doing my work. Suddenly i found out that i had to go to school for project meeting. I felt so upset, it's as though i was deprived of the only time i have to recover. Nevertheless, i pulled myself together and trudged downstairs. In the lift, i was reading "Divine Moments" and it flipped to a page that totally described what i was feeling. I teared. When the lift door opened, i looked down, trying to hide my tears. Out of the corner of my eye i could see a woman trying to get into the lift where i was getting out. I walked around her but she suddenly stepped in front of me and hugged me, "Jenn, why are you crying?" It was my sister.

Even more miraculous was that she wasn't working that day, and she had the car with her. She sent me to school. On the way we talked, and i cried, and i felt so much better. She said she actually went back to the car twice to get something she'd forgotten, and when she finally went to the lift it was the exact one i was getting out of. I mean, what are the odds? Exact same timing, exact same lift. I thought of how in the spiritual realm, the angels must've been busy orchestrating this one.

Angel 1: "Jenn is taking another minute to grab her notes. Stall Ivy."
Angel 2: "Roger. Over and out."

I know You love me, I know..You love me. =)

Kaelyn

My Guardian Angel

Havent had time to shout out this testimony till now, but Hallelujah! Haha.

So i left my phone in the cinema that day. I know cos i switched it to silent in the theatre, and halfway through the movie i dropped my stuff but i thought i'd collected everything back-it was dark so i couldnt see well.

Halfway home, i realised that i didn't have my phone with me. When i realised that, i didn't feel panic. I felt...peace. Inexplicable peace. Calmly i searched through my bag again. Not a sight of it. So i went back to the cinema. The staff there was helpful, but told me she couldn't go in to find for me cos there was a show screening then. She let me fill in a lost and found form. Said they would try to find my phone when the show ended at 11 plus pm. I filled in the form with my sister's hp no. and returned home.

I didn't even tell ppl that i lost my hp, 'cept for a handful. I didn't think it was neccessary cos i knew it was only a temporal loss. I don't know where i got that faith but somehow it was there. I tried calling my hp once and noone picked up-but the phone was still on. Then i asked Paul to help me call, at around 12am, since we were chatting online. Again, it rang but noone picked up. I went to sleep still with the hope and peace in my heart.

The next day, i awoke to Spike's call. They'd found my phone. Even in my sleepy daze, i simply smiled and said, "I knew it. Thanks." The person who found it also called Paul, since he was the last missed call. So by the time he told me that me he'd news of my phone, i alr knew.

And it never fails to amaze me, how my guardian angel has this tendency of picking up my things after me-it's as if he/she knows that i'm blur and would pay extra attention in this aspect. It's incredible, throughout my life i've been greatly blessed in this area. I can lose my wallet, hp, file, textbook, specs, even my entire bag, in the weirdest places-shopping malls, playgrounds, canteen, in the middle of nowhere, and somehow i would find them. Either people would return to me, or i'd go back a day later and it'd still be there. Then the times when my bag was stolen (can u believe it?) and the other time my phone my stolen...with the help of my friends we managed to find it back. Looking back, i now know it was only possible cos my guardian angel has been diligently finding my things back for me. Hee.

My mom says it's because i return everything i find. Actually i do, but i dunno if that's the reason why my guardian angel blesses me in this way. I remember when i was in primary school i found $100 and a bunch of keys, and i happened to see a policeman nearby, so i went and gave it to him. Afterwards i told my parents and they were like, "What?! He'd just pocket the money himself. Don't be silly, next time find money keep it." Haha. But somehow i never had the urge to keep something that wasn't mine. Handphones, wallets, ezlink cards, money, i always return them if possible. If not, i would give it away.

I remember once i was teaching my P5 tuition kid about honesty, and for the application question i asked:

Me: If you find $50 on the floor, what would u do?
Kid: Take it lor.
Me: hmm okay..What if there was someone nearby looking for something? Say, an old woman.
Kid: Oh! Then i would quickly step on it until she walks away.

LOL. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I'd always thought honesty was inherent, at least to kids. But i believe God will raise a new generation of children who are radical in their faith, Christ-like and God-fearing. In Jesus's Name. =)

Kaelyn

Saturday, 4 October 2008

Dare we love?

Been caught up in Vampire Island for the past week, my nose in the Twilight series. For days i went about school and tuition and all half-mindedly, just waiting for the time i could have to finally sink into my beloved story when i got home. Haha like we were saying today Fio, books and movies are girls' strongholds.

Anyways, through the books, God has been showing me new revelations and insights. Book 2, "New Moon", was about Edward (vampire) leaving Bella (human). Spike'd already told me the rough idea of the story before i'd read it, and i assumed it'd be rather boring, all about Bella being 'lost' and 'in pain' without Edward. But it spoke to me in a way i'd never have imagined..

Edward left Bella because he loved her. He didn't want to hurt her, and there were so many dangers in dating a vampire. He thought that leaving would be the best for her. But Edward was Bella's life. When he left, it was as if her soul was sucked away. For 3 months she could not eat, sleep or do anything at all. Then she decided to try to make an effort in pretending to lead a normal life, to stop her dad from worrying. She went to school, did her homework and all, but try as she might, everyone could see that she was but a living dead, an oyster without its shell, a body without its soul. She tried to forget Edward, tried to avoid the places and objects that would remind her of him. She acted as if he were dead. Then, she met Jacob. Though he could never replace Edward, he was a friend who could understand her. He was her little sun in the darkness. And he was sporting enough to do risky things with her. He was, afterall, a werewolf. And so Bella found out that whenever she did things to risk her life, she would hear Edward's voice. "Bella, DON'T! You promised me you would not harm yourself. BELLA." She knew it wasn't healthy, yet she found herself reveling in those moments when Edward's voice seemed so vivid, found herself risking her life repeatedly just to hear that lovely voice.

It reminded me so much of my own experiences. I found myself empathizing with Bella, understanding every thought and emotion described. Those who have never suffered a heartbreak would never understand, would think that the author was just being melodramatic. But that pain was so extreme it literally hurt physically. I will never forget how painful it was.

At this point God gently asked, "Jenn, if you'd known it was going to be THAT painful, would you still have chosen what you chose if i gave you the choice again?"

I was stunned. I couldn't answer. Just thinking of that horrible period in my life gave me the shivers. Why would anyone in the right mind choose to relive that horror all over again? But then Jesus told me, "Jenn, love hurts. I knew it was going to be painful to love you, perhaps more than i could bear. And it was-the pain was much more than i'd imagined, it was so painful i thought of giving up. But my love for you spurred me on. And if i could choose again, i would die for you all over again."

Wow. I was thrown aback. What was my pain compared to His? And yet He so readily declared that He would go through it all over again. For me, for me. In that moment i understood. Love hurts. It's not just a cheesy, dramatic cliche teenagers scratch on bus seats when their boyfriends of 3 days break up with them. It's TRUE. When you open your heart up to love, you leave your heart vulnerable to breakage. Pain coexists with love. Without love, there would be no pain. BUT without pain, there will be no love. That is the price that we have to pay.

And then i was ready, to answer my Beloved. "Yes, Jesus, if i'd known it'd hurt so much, i would still have made the same choice." Looking back, i remember so many good times before the storm. There were times i felt so blissful, felt like i was the happiest girl on Earth. Those were some of the best days of my life. I will never forget, either. It may not have been perfect in the eyes of many, may not have been happily-ever-after, but at that time, it was in many ways almost perfect for me..

"Choosing love will open spaces of immense beauty and joy for you, but you will be hurt." -John Elderege

Jesus, help me dare to be vulnerable, and teach me Lord, to choose to love again. Help me to learn to love passionately, fearlessly and unconditionally the way You love me. *Huggs*

Kaelyn

History

June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 December 2010 January 2011 May 2011 November 2013

Holler