It feels so good to wake up at 9am, look at the time, then go back to sleep until 12am. And it wouldn't have been possible if not for the two men of God-Maui and Juon. Hallelujah!

Been playing Chinese chess with my dad as a way to bond with him. Somehow, he has taught me a lot of life skills unknowingly through our games.

1. Every step you take must be purposeful.
-Think (more than twice) before you make a decision.

2. Learn to prioritize your steps.
-Many things are important, but what is most important now?

3. Always remember to protect your pawns.
-The most important pawn to guard in the game is the King. It's parallel to life. Our walk with God is the foundation of our lives, without which the game of life cannot carry on.

4. Timing is crucial.
-As Ecclesiastes says, "There is a time for everything". You may win some in some seasons, lose some in another. Let go. Because He will make all things beautiful in His time.

5. Aim for victory, even when all seems gray.
-Even when your adversary shouts, "Checkmate!", and the odds are low, DON'T GIVE UP.

Don't mind me. I love to draw links, it's the way my mind works, like how breathing comes naturally to us.

Out of all the points, God chose point no.5 specifically to speak to me today. During my game with dad today, there was a point where he 'checkmated' me, and the odds were super low. I mean, the horse, 2 cars, cannon, they were all strategically positioned to tear my King's head off. And out of resignation, i chose to let my horse commit suicide.

My dad wanted to give me a chance, "Hey, i can eat your horse if you make that move!"
My response? "I know, doesn't matter, anyway i'm going to die."
And my dad said something that impacted me, "Haiya you, no confidence in yourself leh."

Wow. It suddenly reminded me of my clinical supervision, where i'd often tell my supervisor that i feel inadequate, despite her constant affirmations and encouragement.

Reminded me of how i was telling some of my sisters and brothers how inadequate i feel to suddenly take such a big group, and to 'lead' the other leaders.

Reminded me of how my sisters bought me a book, "The Confident Woman" by Joyce Meyers that i read earlier this year.

I don't really think of myself as someone with low self-esteem. I used to be, you'd know if you've heard my testimony before. In fact, i've had many people come up to me and tell me they admire my confidence in recent years, and i've grown to love myself, because i'm fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image.

But when it comes to leading, to counselling, to teaching...i fear. What exactly do i fear? I think i fear failure. I fear making mistakes. I fear shortchanging my members or clients. And...it's silly and hypocritical, because i teach about being confident in God and not being afraid to fail, about Thomas Edison failing 10000 times and not giving up, but deep inside i'm afraid, too.

Haha.

I went to run just now, to train for our coming 10k run. For the first time i ran two rounds instead of once of the usual route i run. But i couldn't have done it if i hadn't had the mindset at the beginning that i would do it.

As i ran God brought this verse into my mind,

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever."
-1 Cor 9: 24-25

God wants us to have the mentality of a victor. Run to win. You can do it.

I realised that i've been hiding under the veil of Asian humility(or pride) for years. "No la, i can't do it." "I don't think i'm able to do it, but i'd try my best."

Feelings of inadequacy stem from pride. I've been trying to run my own race for far too long. Sure, i'd depend on God, i'd tell Him before every case, or groupwork, or cell group, that i am nothing without Him, and ask Him to fill me with more of the Spirit and less of myself.

But i'd take the results personally.

If the client doesn't change, it must be my counselling skills. If the group is not bonded, perhaps i didn't engage them enough. If the cell member doesn't come, it must be me.

It reminded me of a talk with a sister yesterday, that we felt like we were holding the world on our shoulders. If i entertain such thoughts that i am fully responsible for results, i am also indirectly saying that the successes are due to my own works. Living by works and not by faith.

Father, forgive me. Help me to express my faith in love everyday, to give my all and surrender the results to You. For if someone comes to know God, it is Your will, and that person's own choice, not because we have great evangelistic skills. In the same way, if a sheep falls away, or a client goes back to his own ways, it is also beyond my means. Lord thank You for freeing me from responsiblities and expectations, to know that i love simply as a natural process of outpouring of Your love to me, and not as an obligation or task, and You are in control.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. =)