Yesterday's sermon really spoke to me. As i was walking back to Mac at night, waiting for the green man to appear, i looked down the road and thought, "How am i going to finish this race strong?"

The past few days have found me weak, worn out, emotional. The antonym of strong. I did not have the strength to ponder further about it yesterday, so my appointment with God was postponed until today.

So i had a good 13-hr sleep, and when i woke up, the first thought that came to my mind was, "Am i in heaven already?" As the sleepiness cleared and my consciousness returned, i realised to my disappointment that i was still on earth alright.

Are there times when you long for Heaven so deeply? Not just because you desire to see God face-to-face, not because you have suicidal thoughts, but because you want to escape from a season you're going through, just want to run home and finally end the race.

Today, as i was reading Lucado's "And the Angels were Silent", Max shared with me about her daughter, Andrea's enthusiasm for life. After finally managing to tuck his children into bed, as he was giving them one last kiss for the night, Andrea whispered, "I can't wait until i wake up." How amazed i was, and remorseful, that my response was worlds apart from hers.

Max went on to explain that the answer to a child's fervor for life was in her uncluttered, pure, simple child-like faith: She plays hard, laughs much, and leaves the worries to her father. How i long to do the same.

As i was dwelling in His presence and pondering over this, my Father prompted me to put my hand on my heart, to feel my heartbeat. You know what? For a minute or two i couldn't find my heartbeat. I panicked. I tried to find a pulse on my wrist, and after another half a minute, i found a slight pulse and was able to let out the breath i had been holding in.

There and then God told me that fear and weariness had been blocking my arteries of life, disallowing me to experience the joy and peace i had so often felt as i woke to each new day in the past. I realised that i was far from the finishing line in my life, and i did not yet want to go home to my heavenly mansion-that would be a selfish, thoughtless desire. I realised in that moment where i was unable to find an evidence of life in me, that i cherished every breath i had, every heartbeat was truly a gift from Him. Apart from His will, i would not even have a heartbeat today.

As i began to repent before Him, i felt like such a disappointment. God had worked many miracles in my life, He had chosen me to be His vessel, given me so many opportunities to speak into the lives of others. And now, i was feeling weary. I was feeling fearful. Dread. I was taking Him for granted. I felt awful.

But then the voice of God came, slowly but surely. "My daughter, I have never blamed you. I am never disappointed with you. In fact, my darling, I am sooo proud of you, and I have never regretted choosing you. But, darling daughter, it is not going to be an easy journey. I know, I've been there. I've felt the fear and the weariness. The dread, the discouragement. I know how hard it can be to face each new day, when so many challenges await. But be strong and very courageous. For I have overcome the world, and with Me you can overcome and finish the race strong. I love you Jenn. Remember my love that will give you new strength."

It was such an initimate moment that I am unable to find the words to describe the emotions God's Word triggered in me. I found myself speechless, my heart racing, tears falling. And I knew in my heart that I had found what I needed, again. This song came into my heart and i sang it as a response to my Dearest Daddy who never fails me...

"Whom have I in heaven but You.
There is nothing on earth I desire beside You.
My heart and my flesh, many times they fail.
But there is one truth, that always will prevail.

God is the strength of my heart.
God is the strength of my heart.
God is the strength of my heart
And my portion forever, forever.

Forever, forever, forever.....
Forever."

I just checked Facebook, and this is what it says:

"On this day of your life, Jennifer, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's OK.

Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK."

Wow. God. You render me speechless time and again. What would I do without You?